You know, when you start writing all this "godly and encouraging" stuff for other people I think you got to be careful because you begin to be tested in it and let me say something again, I failed.
The world can deceive me and look so good. It can look so harmless and so happy and carefree. It's hard not to desire it or want what others have. It's hard to remember that even though they are looking like they're living the complete happier life than say, me, a Christian, the end for them is so much worse than I have it right now and everything the do, fun or not, is in vain apart from our Lord. I've really been struggling with being a good person, a "happy" person, a satisfied person. It's like this massive storm cloud hit me out of no where and took me down this super muddy track in the woods. It's been a long since I had felt that "out of myself" and empty. It was really hard to get out of and it began to have an effect on me and James which crushed me.
We spent the morning at the kitchen table after breakfast just talking about anything that is hurting us or working on communication and working on how to communicate hurt feelings and pain. Even after the talk I was still down for some reason but, as spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning everyone room in the house, the rain stopped and the thunder stopped and the lightening stopped. The sun is beginning to peak through the clouds and I can feel the warmth and joy it is bringing. I pray so hard that things stay this way. I don't know what it was that brought me down so much but I'm going to work hard to stay in the Word and keep encouraged and try to have a good and positive attitude. I know this trial/storm is almost over and I'm so ready for the sunshine.
I love it when no one has any idea what you're going through but they decide to comment on your wall and tell you they miss you and love or send you a text and tell you they love you or send you a message with a favor to ask because they CHOSE you to help! Those kinds of things help the sun shine a little quicker and a little brighter.
This message is kinda dull and boring but it's all I got to give today. Thanks for sticking around and reading this stuff ha ha It'll only get better from here.
I love you all!!!
Devan Draper
Hey girl, thank you so much for posting this. I have gone through a time just like that since I've been married. I'm so glad you decided to talk about it, because I didn't. I thought something was wrong with me because I was so unhappy. I was unhappy...and recently married! What's up with that? I still don't know. Maybe it was reality. Boredom. Loss of a dream that all little girls have. I'm not sure. I had a lot of mixed feelings after marriage (and yours may not have anything to do with marriage, I'm just saying). I was sad the wedding was over, sad I wasn't at home, sad I was at my new home all day alone, sad all I did was laundry and cooking haha, and many other mixed emotions. Everyone had told me it would be a change, but I didn't know the change would be that huge. I felt so different after being married. Not like I used to feel.
ReplyDeleteThings have gotten a lot better. I have reached a new reality. I am embracing my role as a wife by God's standards. It's no picnic, but I remember that this is for the glory of God. I love Adam so so so much, but we're human. We're selfish and we disagree. Adam and I are working on communication. What's wrong and why, how to talk to each other with understanding, etc. I'm also teaching now, so that has helped with the boredom and not liking being home all day. I feel more like I have a purpose and am helping people, not just sitting at home like I was. I was also distant from God. I should have been clinging to Him and growing in Him. I missed out on that vulnerable time when I could have grown closer to Him. I know it's not too late though. (See my post from this weekend.) I'm praying for you girl. Anytime you wanna talk about marriage stuff, I'm your girl! I think it's good that we're both newlyweds together so that we can lean on each other and encourage one another. I'm sorry if I took your post in a totally wrong direction. I think I just needed to get all that off my chest, and I figure being newly married you could relate! Love you girl! Keep writing :)
"Go Dancing in the minefields, sail across the storms. This is harder than yall dreamed but thats what the promise is for" :)
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